There is nothing more dangerous to a marriage or committee relationship than two people who do not understand their own money issues or who do not communicate well about their money. Sadly, the very first time couples often communicate about money is through their respective divorce attorneys.

Here are three golden rules on managing money and relationships.

Rule #1: Don't keep financial secrets from your partner. More often than you would believe, the very first time either spouse knows that they are in deep financial trouble is when they review each other's required divorce court financial filings. That's when certain secrets emerge, such as a secret stash or secret vice. If you keep your finances separate so that you can be "safe," you might be surprised to find out just how high the price of secrecy is.

Rule #2: Assess how you spend the marital money by preparing a balance sheet that covers the last 12 months. This process, though burdensome, enables a couple to determine both their extravagances and shortfalls. Everyone spends money differently no matter how much they make. When people get divorced, it's not the amount of money they make that makes the difference, but the choices they made spending the money that really matters.

Make a detailed written list of your expenses and weigh them against your income. Unless this type of exercise is undertaken periodically, even with couples who are happy, it's easy to fall into the trap of believing the family's finances are in good shape. Both men and women frequently operate on the "don't look, don't tell" basis and hope that the income covers the outstanding bills at month's end.

A couple needs to face their financial situation as a team. If there's a shortfall, it can be tackled by bringing in more money or spending less. If there's an excess, they should discuss savings and investment goals. They might not always agree, but they will be communicating their hopes and dreams for the future.

Rule #3: Recognize the fact that women have more financial fear than men. Most women express real fear of becoming a bag lady while not one man - not even the bankrupt ones - expressed a similar fear.

The fear is culturally inbred, but it's curable. Women generally earn less, and they don't tend to discuss financial issues with friends. They can become financially literate through education and coaching. At a basic minimum, they need to be aware of and understand the family budget, know their financial risk tolerance, and have a clear picture of their own and the partnership's finances.